Fate lent me her hand,
When I didn't know I needed it,
And started down a narrow path,
One that lead me straight to you.
Trust, he put a smile on your face,
Ont that made my world stop turning,
He whispered sweet thoughts into my heart,
That's when I was sure you'd tear it apart.
Lust, she made me wish,
We could go back to that night on the beach,
Just you and I and my selfish lie,
And knowing I can't is killing me.
Reality, she slapped me across the face,
When you went and dropped a bomb,
And I realized I'm not quite over you,
Now I'm left standing in the wreckage.
Love and his charming trickery,
I left knocking at the door,
While I hid in the shadows of my past,
Won't you accept my plea, "I'm so very sorry."
Where was my mind when,
Fate lent me the hand, that lead me to you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Interesting.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you changed your style and instead of giving the reader your conclusions about "Fate" "Trust" etc, describe, instead, the fateful, trusting details--the evidence of your experience? (keeping it wholesome, of course...for that is more challenging to write.)
That allows the reader to examine the poetic evidence and on little iambic feet tippy toe to his own conclusions.
I somewhat agree with Susan, in that its necessary to challenge yourself; it’s always fun to have the words paint the picture. A good love scene is suggestive in nature and by not revealing too much, tantalizes the mind to see what is not shown and therefore much more effective. Words should not only be read, but also felt.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, poetry is all about you and how you choose to express your feelings, so overall, good work and I look forward to more!
Take care.
I really enjoyed your poem. I liked how you started each stanza with words like Fate and Lust. I wouldn't neccesarily change the style of the poem. Instead think of it as a portrait. You want to tell the reader what your thinking without telling them. In other words the more descriptive the poem the more feeling and connection the reader has with the piece. So to achieve those results more metaphors and other literary techniques will help. Overall though I really
ReplyDeleteenjoyed it! Keep up the great work and look forward to reading more poems from you.
There are so many things you can do Brenda.
ReplyDeleteA formal poet would say interject meter or a rhyme scheme or both.
I often read poems that have headlines such as yours with fate, lust, reality and love and it works.
This poem is like a sketch. Is it the final work of art? probably not but it has it's own expressive beauty
Hi Brenda
ReplyDeleteHow are you??
Hope you are still writing (or else)
big hugs from meeeeee