Thursday, October 18, 2012

Dirty Little Secrets (In the spirit of not going ape s**t crazy.) <---------- Link the the "Dirty Little Secret" video.

Hey guys! It's been awhile since I've posted, and today I wanted to talk about something that I'm sure everybody has, a "dirty little secret." Before I tell you why I've brought this up, let me start with my opinion on the subject. As we go on throughout our lives, we make mistakes and we learn from them. Most of us like to make a mistake and keep it secret, and its kind of like trying to disguise a fart in the middle of a silent room. Not to long ago I made some choices that weren't the greatest and for weeks I tried to hide the consequences. These became my dirty little secrets. For weeks my mind raced and I became paranoid that people knew. So in the spirit of not wanting to go ape shit crazy, I decided to talk about them. So, take a moment to read whats below and tell me what you think. Do you think its better to talk about your dirty little secrets, or keep them to yourself?

For the past week I've turned on Pandora while doing my workout. Normally I do a random shuffle and call it good. However today I decided that a throwback might be good for me, so I set in on a station that I created my freshman year in high school. Now back than, I wasn't stereotyped as an "emo," but that's sort of the music I decided to listen too.

Nearing the middle of my workout "Dirty Little Secrets" by the All-American Rejects started to play. Why is this important to you? Honestly... it's probably not. Yet for me it was a song that was set on "never ending" in my head about a month ago. In school I was a quiet kid, none of the kids liked me... because I was quiet, I assume.

SO my senior year, I met a guy. At first, I was shy... that was just who I was. He didn't seem to mind though. It was a chance encounter... I mean in all honesty the prices at the little store he works at... well they're "all jacked up." Regardless, I spent a lot of my time after that trying to find things that he liked so I could try to like them. My mother called me crazy... my grandmother didn't approve, my family started to hate the person I'd become.

I started hanging out at his place. Staying out until 1am or later, even on days that I knew I'd have to be at  work by 5am. I was so infatuated with this guy that the morals I'd been taught were stripped away. I'd drive him to the next town over to buy beer. I'd smoke with him. I did everything I told myself I'd never do.

After about three years, he took something from me that can't ever be returned. The worst part is, I gave it to him willingly. I loved him, but he loved someone else. That fact alone is something that I struggle with now, because when I see him, I still think of all the moments. The laughter.

So my point here is that in those three years, I spent a lot of my time doing things that were bad for me. These are my dirty little secrets. We all have them, and I'm sure I'm not the only person on this earth who'd gone through this before. So if you reading this, I'd like to know your opinion...

Do you think its better to keep you "dirty little secret" hidden, or talk about it?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Journey

I’ll never forget the multitude of feelings I knew,

Or the astonishing sensations that flew through my veins,

It was as a consequence of this new awareness, I grew,

Yet now alone, I strive to collect all of myself that remains.

All the pennies I’d lend, to know ignorance once more,

This reflection in the mirror, a girl I don’t wish to be,

The winds of change consume me, time to find what I’m here for,

With a shaky breath, I look into the haze, soon I’ll see.

With each step I take, each breath, my lungs burn,

Those nasty habits, little bullets I took for you,

Hard to believe it took so long, still it was vital I learn,

Yet even though I know now, the storm continues to brew.

Every struggle I’ve faced, the ones I’ve yet to meet,

I’ll take in stride, remind myself that I was born a fighter,

And if I see your face again, it’s a new me you’ll greet,

For the girl you once knew, her outlook is a whole lot brighter.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Fate Lent Me A Hand

Fate lent me her hand,
When I didn't know I needed it,
And started down a narrow path,
One that lead me straight to you.

Trust, he put a smile on your face,
Ont that made my world stop turning,
He whispered sweet thoughts into my heart,
That's when I was sure you'd tear it apart.

Lust, she made me wish,
We could go back to that night on the beach,
Just you and I and my selfish lie,
And knowing I can't is killing me.

Reality, she slapped me across the face,
When you went and dropped a bomb,
And I realized I'm not quite over you,
Now I'm left standing in the wreckage.

Love and his charming trickery,
I left knocking at the door,
While I hid in the shadows of my past,
Won't you accept my plea, "I'm so very sorry."

Where was my mind when,
Fate lent me the hand, that lead me to you.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Never Failing Trend

If only it were simple,
Maybe it was at one time,
But this shadow that is my past,
Still haunts me like a ghost.

My reason you don't want,
Regardless I must tell you,
His words were his weapon,
My heart was his victim.

Wounded I was left there,
My fathers dirty deed was done,
Then I decided I could prevail,
But brick by brick my wall I built.

Its my wall you've come up against,
I was to blind to see you didn't run,
But I'm managed to ruin it anyways,
This seems to be my never failing trend.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I Promise

The worst of me you've witnessed,
I've seared it into your heart,
Such a talented ruse that is my smile,
You don't realize I'm far from transparent.

You seized my trust not long after we met,
But somewhere along the way it was mislead,
Its left you puzzled wondering why,
And I'm determined to keep it to myself.

Silently I sit with these muses I keep hidden,
Unable to comprehend my cryptic nature are you,
So paralyzed by repeated history am I,
I won't let you draw any nearer to my heart.

You inquire what I'm scared of,
It's a painful thought to think,
Skillfully I'll dodge a simple answer,
I won't supply the ammunition this time.

Your sincerity is all I ask,
But this dreaded doubt comes crashing back upon me,
I need to know I'm more than a diversion,
But until then I'll never open up.

I promise.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Divine Redemption

The past has slipped through my fingers;
And the future threatens to consume me;
My hopes and dreams turn to fears;
As you impose your acrimonious views on me;
This depiction of an existence at your side;
Is tempting in its magnificent splendor;
It's a ruse I've been informed;
This letting doubt seep into the cracks of my heart;
But you eradicate my skepticism with your tone;
I'm surrendering to you my soul without resistance;
I've fallen for your deception;
Your grip is tightening, I'm losing my head;
A distasteful deadness starts to permeate throughout my veins;
I can't bottle these emotions inside;
Yet I'm struggling to let them go;
The battle has begun, I'm falling behind;
Suddenly I see a beautiful glimmer;
Might it be hope back to undermine me again?
Or your wonderful saving grace?
In route to elicit the poison you've infused;
The struggles at its pinnacle, I turn my eyes away;
Ready to relinquish everything to this demon;
Unexpectedly you call me by name;
My eyes flash back to your glorious light;
I'm struggling again to take hold of you;
My demons grip is loosening;
I can feel your aura grasping me;
Eliciting me from the grasp of this fiend;
I can't focus on anything but your splendid face;
Then as I look for redemption in your magnificent eyes;
I can feel my life returning realizing what I'd done;
I'd been tricked by the devil and my savior won;
Forever my savior I give to you, my every breath.

Friday, June 18, 2010