Okay, so this was an english assinment. I think I did okay, but I want your opinion. Its about the death of my grandfather when I was ten. Its just the way I saw things then.
Sonnet #2
He watches as a tear runs down my cheek,
Evidence left before me still hard to deny,
It won't be easy to see you so meek,
but I must say my heartbreaking goodbye.
Ah! I curse our creator for such ruse!
Giveith to us just to purloin it away!
Out hearts are like toys for you to abuse,
could agony be leading me astray?!
Grief comes swiftly stripping away sanity,
A new absence is bound to leave its mark,
but abstain from giving in to hastily,
free doubt and fear and steer clear of the dark.
Hindsight will never let us forget this,
but don't dwell in woe, rather sing with bliss!
So! What do you think?
Brenda.
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Hi Brenda,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this one. Your use of language in this old-style English idiom is good.
There are only a few issues with the number of beats per line, in some of the lines, for example:
"Evidence left before me still hard to deny,"
should have 10 beats to make the rhythm conform to the classic sonnet format. It has 12 beats at the moment. If you said something shorter, like:
"This evidence I no longer deny"
it would have 10 beats.
There is another line:
"Grief comes swiftly stripping away sanity"
this has 11 beats so it rhymes but again, needs to scan with the rhythm better. You could try something shorter like:
"Grief comes to strip away my sanity"
That has 10 beats to fit the rhythm.
When I write a sonnet I try to keep the sonnet's "iambic pentameter" rhythm in my head using Shakespeare's line:
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
(-1----2---3-4-----5--6--7--8-9------10-)
( de-dah, de-dah, de-dah, de-dah, de-dah )
This line always helps, so does turning off the radio to concentrate on the sonnet's beat. Also using words of three syllables or more, if the rhythm is right, makes a prettier flow when the sonnet is read aloud.
Always read it aloud, to check the beats per line and how nicely it flows. And re-write it as many times as you want until it looks (and sounds) just right.
You only need help with the rhythm really, I think your skill with words is fantastic.
Like you I enjoy writing sonnets and have had several published in Sonnetto Poesia and Poetry Life & Times when it was still online, along with other ezines such as Autumn Leaves.
Keep enjoying sonnets and classic poetry. I recommend the sonnets of Shakespeare and Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Elizabeth B.B. wrote an amazing poem called "Bianca Among the Nightingales" it's very romantic, you'd probably love it.
Pinky (Sara L. Russell)