Okay, so some of you have wanted me to post a taste of my fiction. Here is a short piece out of my most recent novel. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with it though. =( I do love it though! =) So give me some advice! Each and every comment is read and taken into consideration =D
You can't see death come; when it jumps at you unexpectedly. Like a shot in the dark, or a snake tensed a ready to strike its helpless, incoherent prey. I myself saw it, but didn't care. I toyed with it absentmindedly with it like I wanted it more than anything else.
I never believed the there was life after death, a place unlike any one person's imagination. To be honest I never bargained for this either; maybe I was damned. My life was nothing like it used to be. I can vividely remember the day I died, the day that only god and myself were witness to, or so I thought.
Hope you enjoyed!
BP!
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Hey Brenda,
ReplyDeleteYou create a very intriguing scene and atmosphere with all this talk of death and the characters view and thoughts about it. Brought out very well by writing it in first person.
I think you need a comma after 'toyed with it' as it doesn't follow on smoothly to 'absentmindedly with it'. Where you could then use another comma. Basically try speaking it out loud and see where you would put possibly dramatic pauses so it's not just blurted out in one long line of sound.
On the whole it is very intriguing particularly the last line, acts very much like a cliff hanger. Making the reader read on to try and find out the story behind such deep thoughts.
Keep working with it and don't worry too much about all the grammar and punctuation at present. I find it best to get the whole story and idea down and then you can back through it all editing and rewriting as you go. If you spend too long editing and rewriting the start you might never reach the middle let alone the end.
Excellent creates a great a very interesting beginning that makes you want to read more! This is the one sentence I would change (I never believed the there was life after death, a place unlike any one person's imagination.) I would change to (I never believed that there was...) Otherwise, I think its great and would love to read more of it sounds great!
ReplyDeleteYeah - I like where it's going.
ReplyDeleteYou ever need someone to read your manuscript - I'm here - don't that for years. Going to try to write a YA novel this spring - just to mix things up.
I'm sending you a poetry award and linking you to me site (thought I'd already done that) ;)
Love and moon hugs
I memeber this! =) <3 It was good then and is still excellent! Did you end up finishing it?
ReplyDeleteThis is a very promising first chapter, if it is part of the first chapter. It draws you in because it's written in a very intriguing way. Well done on that, because a first chapter that can grab the reader's attention will keep them reading to the very last page.
ReplyDeleteThis snippet pulled me in! I would definitely be interested in continuing reading your fiction. Keep it going ; we want more! (:
ReplyDelete